


Matter of Degrees

by lachowskii



Category: Actor RPF, Celebrities & Real People - Fandom, Real Person Fiction
Genre: Adult Content, Angst, BDSM, Centric, Depression, Drama, Explicit Language, Implied/Referenced Character Death, Implied/Referenced Drug Use, Implied/Referenced Suicide, Isolation, M/M, Mildly Dubious Consent, Sexual Content, Smut, Submission, au meme
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-11-13
Updated: 2016-12-29
Packaged: 2018-08-30 16:53:56
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 10
Words: 14,931
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8541139
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/lachowskii/pseuds/lachowskii
Summary: A compilation fic of Seth in his twenties, his work and isolation turned into questioning submission. Subjected loneliness included.





	1. Close

**Author's Note:**

> **Disclaimer:: I do not know Seth Macfarlane whatsoever. I own this content.**  
>  **This fic is also loosely based from the Spanish film 'Leap Year' ( Año Bisiesto ) that I enjoyed.**  
>  • **Chapters 1, 2, 5, and bits of 7 and 9 are all inspired, if not, somewhat identical to the film alone.** Everything else in between was my idea to add.  
>  • I tend to write metaphorically I get inspired by original writing and surround this fic with more details than dialouge  
> • Since people may assume things as if they "know" me none of the stuff in this fic applies to me or is about me It all stems from the film ^^
> 
>  **Please Read The Following Info**  
>  •This fic would also be good to read on 'reading mode' if you have tablet device (ex. kindle fire/ipad)  
> •BDSM concepts will not come into play until Chapters 7 & 8 [minor content in chapter 6 I believe ] [ not a primary BDSM fic like my other stories ]  
> • ^ which means this is really not a smut-centric like fic like all my other ones. there's just a few sex scenes that's it  
> • Personal subjected dialogue and concepts. Not to be all depicted that it relates to me directly whatsoever.  
> • Interactive writing [ contained dates, text messages type of contents + more ]
> 
>  **This Fic is an Au Meme (alternative universe)**  
>  Seth is in the year 2016 and he is 29. Didn't think subject matter would fit my ideas of the actual current time and his current age so I made this an au meme fic to /work/ && no mentions of his actual family and if so it's ideally and no real names are used 
> 
> Don't attempt reading this if you aren't familiar of my work or if these tags and subject content is to your dislike.  
> \- Enjoy, comment if you desire.
> 
> **Thank you to anyone who has read my fics as well. Thank you it will always be greatly appreciated.**

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> December 1, 2016 , the last paragraph was edited with added details.

Outstretched, sweaty and forgetful. It's impending madness, outing itself on all counts. How is one this far, away, drifting as the sounds could no longer be clear. Seth watched the lights, his hands resting on a cold bar.  
They're in this moment the devil wants no room for cheats. If one has already made it in this town, in this city, haven't they already given up a part of themselves they can never get back? 

It's like the dragging agony from lightning, the spark is no longer here. How could Seth get this melancholic at times? It's more than sadness or feeling anxious, or whatever it is people read from the internet. Seth realizes, being the sole person of his one and only thought, processing with acceptance. A mind that isn't innocent but sultry. What if at times how he seems himself in this matter was sometimes amazing but extremely frustrating. 

Do you know how calming this feels? Not just to him, but to anyone in this situation. The way he dries his tears dripping down from his eyes, that form into disappearance past his fingertips. Woven from different pieces you don't know which part of you is the normality to live. Young, tired, trying, desperate, fighting, while nothing is new for too long. 

Was his merits in the right place when he got here. Alone and building complex systems in his head, with explanations of sorts and if it was easy enough to classify them all. This was supposed to be more, scripts, meetings, press time, promotions but much-needed push. Seth's laptop is left open, writings he never finished and the last message. When he realizes how much time has wasted with his plans in this bright city, this illuminating world and desire bring him down to this. 

The bottom, the pavement, the darkness, no imaginary formula or unknown matter could save him once he touches the bottom. Was it the only sense to live, the only sense to run away when it's all over. He's between the mass confusion of work and disappointment. His hands won't hold on to the bar of the balcony for too long. His tears won't stop flowing now, redness and pink cheeks, flushing to a fluorescent brightness and gut wrenching troubled soul. Living seemed to be scaring him, bit by bit, day by day. 

Seth's in good health, great background, more advanced than some with no way in the door, and only dreamed of something faster would come to him. Yet there is nothing. This feeling, when his feet stand on the edge of the apartment's concrete, no one can see him and it would be so freeing. One foot would dangle, slow, burning and he knows the few seconds of pain befoe he becomes lifeless would be daringly dreadful. 

He swallowed any compressed thought, the vision of nothing seemingly displaying before his eyes and how easy it could be down to this. No more days of crying, lying and deviant sexual adventures. This round full self-pity of every day's agonizing lesson, truth is biting hard on his lips and the wind blowing past his body is capturing his fate. The tears are overflowing more, like a downpour, he whispers something, to someone who isn't there while his body is pressed out and his hands are ready to let go of the balcony's cold bar. 

"Fuck." Seth turned behind him. The stillness that shuttered throughout his body, leading him to climb back over the balcony and enter his apartment. He breathes heavily, catching his breath and seeing his phone ring and vibrate. Just seconds away of letting his life fall flatness.

_I'm fine. I'm Fine. I'm fine._

He talked himself in a quick frenzy, blew out a deep breath and not let his voice shake as he answered the phone. Someone wants to know how he's been, it's been weeks since they last spoke and it's occurring to them if Seth was alright. Of course, he has to abide by typical words and sound soft delight as if he wasn't about to end his life. 

"I'm just doing my usual these days," Seth said, with a laugh that sounds breaking and nervous. To the other person on the other side of the phone may not capture the calmness but this calmness is so scary for anyone who could see it up close. 

Too painful to live was out of disappointment. His crying wasn't out of fear. While he let the phone conversation end after a few more minutes, throwing his phone at the wall with the possible damage he yelled into the sky. His loud cry with salty rivers could not be heard by anyone, even if he was outside, even if his only friend was the moon at this hour. 

He's rotting from the inside, long drawn outcries until it felt like the air releasing from his lungs was ready to give out. Strangling the illusion that he could actually give up. The only basic knowledge he's known now is that it's going to happen. Eventually. If all the sound was gone around everyone else you could hear his screams, against the moon and stars right now. Once a tear got away the rest followed, Seth's lungs rummaged for oxygen with his sobbing of a force as someone was drowning. The flesh under his ribcage throbbed, his cheeks burned, and his mind created memories as he sadness continues.


	2. Troubled

No new parts of availability in his favors. His refrigerator seemed bare the more and more he opened and closed it. A fruit fly or two above some bananas that are about to be spoiled. Another cigarette bud away from his lips and into the almost full ashtray. Hands in wet hair, eyes dropping down to his keyboard again with his fingers joining new concepts. Concepts he may never share or will people be willing to listen. Will they be willing to seek a hunger or will they pass as a bore? Joined by curiosity and unhinged food for thought when Seth realizes nothing sounds good anymore. 

Seth had things for stronger effects. Blissful, luscious and tasteful. Could reduce one's will for ambition in a second. His pain didn't need anything more. Nothing added and nothing new. He's rarely typing up anything with protagonists, just drifters, daydreamers, reflective of his life right now. They aren't after something, they're in their late twenties just like him and lost without a care. No excitement, no rush. 

Could there be something wrong with his looks? He's offered himself to for pretend, for plenty of studios but did he have some sort of curse cast upon him once he got here. Seth's eyes were red, he stared in the mirror, stepping back and moving in closer. Many times as he could until he got tired of himself. He wasn't built heavy, no tribal tattoos, no defining features. Seth was physically fit, maybe too average, maybe too simple but if only he could see his charm. There he was again, castrated with the thought something could be unfair, to him, to his newfound life and logic. 

His eyes watered, staring at himself made him intensely frustrated and couldn't see what was so despising. This self-deprecating fault, strawberry flush across his chest and cheeks. How similar. Cascading strong enough looking arms, the most fitted jawline you'd see with someone in their late twenties and hair was short but clean, and suave. Was it his nervousness, his non-force range and too much awkwardness he could never get accepted. Insecurity flowed over him more and more he'd pick at himself when it was his time to be in front of a huge crowd. Despite these roles, his writing pitches rarely got seen or never got sent to anyone. Waiting for things to happen when they may never come. 

Seth stood by the window doors of his balcony, slightly cracked open. His watchfulness, tracking the women kissing boyfriends, hands touching, holding hands, walking, sitting, whether with people or by themselves. Look at how they laugh, he thought. While he gradually sees people doing things he's no longer capable of proceeding with. Not with anyone, just himself. He slid down his pants for a second, never thinking twice because his high is more than drugs. His own touch, on himself, as he would watch lovers taste tongues in the walkways by his apartment building. Unregrettable and severity. Moaning and watchful eyes. Uncovers the obsession with kept desires flustering him into a breathless escape. Burning, easy, fastened with such psychological deviation he played on himself. Sexual self-inducing power from a giddy view he has never had the courage to achieve. While his own continuous strokes, breaths, and depression. It was quick, it was dirty and sometimes it becomes never-ending. A moment of shame his eyes, his pants would bring themselves up from his hands.

Unexpectedly as he turned to walk into the kitchen, clean his hands, grab something from the cupboard, his phone would get a text from someone he hasn't heard from in a while. 

**Someone: seth are you doing okay these days...?  
_\- recieved, 11/1/2016, 6:57pm_**

**Seth: I've been doing well. Journalism. Hollywood. Having a nice steak right now.  
_\- sent, 11/1/2016, 6:58pm_**

Just as his tearful being put a fork in a small dish of macaroni and cheese from out of the microwave, he can't help but lie again. Luxuries were an option, one he didn't take in. Freelance writing, trying to get roles or even some other writing job was impossible. Blowing another huge sigh, he didn't feel hungry. Disgusted and pity. Imbalanced brain pushing his further in the hole. What was so wrong to be strangled by reality every day as it's eating you away, decreasing the accepting sadness and increasing a lifeless result. 

Why couldn't he just spent time daydreaming, then watching? Stalking from a distance while compulsive actions follow. Why couldn't he just guzzle on the L.A. sunset every day, stain his tongue with the juice of pomegranate skies and lethargic poetries that could cling to his skin in his sleep? It's not in his will, nor his power to fall for these types of memories he could be creating right now. His sadness is growing, falling out of love with his words he tries to write every day turning it into a disease, a waste. 

Two years in L.A. and the past year has turned to these doings a few days out of his week. He keeps pondering, when will it all end. Comprehend the darkness, encompassing until it is seized in the black shadow. Although there's the constant nocturnal distance lingering within Seth that forces him to believe he can't get by in his life. It's not destined. It's not promised.


	3. Lost

Seth allowed another day, foggy setting somewhere away from home. The body of a woman's brown skin arose from the bed. Her eyes to his, intertwined by silence and she wanted to rise up to kiss his neck tenderly and softly. She spoke a special few sentences, he took care of her, he showed her a good time the past few hours. Seth wasn't encouraging, he was already becoming bitter and cold. Instead, his mind drifted feeling her kisses against him in the morning haze. Lost, dark, unforgivable again. Frustrating. Seth thought. Yet he felt deeply about wanting to be alone after hook-ups. 

So Seth sat crossed legged on the bed, underneath thin white sheets. The nameless woman with cherry lips, picking up her clothes and leaving with a wink but wanting his number. She felt it deep down to ask but she didn't. Seth wasn't the type to seek anyone twice. If so, that time has gone. That side of him was no longer. While it was so silent now, he could hear his heart racing. Eyes closed as his head bent down and his hands run through his hair. He forgot he already placed for room service as the door knocked with trays of delicacies. His early morning of self-treats, he didn't do this often at all and for once it felt needed. Seth also felt he should have let his overnight guest stay for breakfast but it's probably entirely too late. When was the last time he actually connected with someone without his quietness? Only when it came for money or for roles he never received. 

They tray on the bed next to Seth had tons of fresh fruit, tea, nuts, fresh greek yogurt. He even drizzled some honey in his bowl as he ate in peace. Fresh linen, the mind is distant. Sometimes as he stuffs his face, his head rolls back and he stares at the ceiling chewing his food. The crunchiness against his teeth sounded soothing or maybe he was out of his head today. The spoon hit against the bowl when he was done, drinking some tea and his eyes could see the sky from the hotel balcony. Birds flying, morning breeze felt great and Seth was talking to himself. 

"You can have anything in this world. Right?" Seth said to himself loudly, confused as he asked himself his own capabilities he's trying to get in order. One minute his body is burning with some stranger as they were grinding with hardness pressure, shamefully so. The shame keeps sticking to him, he's asking and wondering to the sky if there's ever going to be something other than this? Would he repeat his doings until his body shakes? Until his minds is in a continuous pattern of grainy, dark mysterious matter. Doing anything and everything until he's running, blindly and carelessly. 

Seth finally stopped pondering. His skin was meeting nice warm water in the tub, against his pale pink flesh, some places soap stings, shampoo might get in his eyes but it's going to be okay. The faucet of the tub drips and follows vibrations as he watched at the other end. The lower half of his face, launder in the water with red blood shot eyes. So easily from the things pacing in his head. It's grim here, outside where the sun is craving creations and his wishful thinking turned out to be untrue. Wet droplets, thinking he could be lost in this mini tide and this always happen. He has some inner wounds for being lost, and they keep bleeding. Seth believes after sex he'll be healed and again he's disappointed by the reality. He's standing up like a pillar, for himself and in darkness he will fall. 

Hues of grey on the walls, the clouds have come in and the towel hugs his skin. Seth's own thumb, across his sharp jawline, his young face felt anew. Thumb across his lips, wet and warm. 

"Touch me," Seth said staring into the surpass wall across from him. Barefoot, nakedness, lonely and does this become laughable at some point. He's not chasing a dream with a stranger and mindlessly falling into a psychotropic wanderlust again. 

"Hold me. Somebody. Please." Seth said, rumbling the quietness with his deep voice. Softly he spoke. The silence was only listening. The feel of himself here, wrapped in something tight. He hopes something else, someone else, could be grabbing him. Heat rises even as the turn of moonlight appears. Hours he's dazed and distance with the crave of skin against his. His fingers were lightly tickling, rubbing against his pink lips he's so torn inside. He's begging a spirit of some kind to be touched, fucked, while in the random time of the night. Now it felt so unreal, the clouds were going down and he never once checked to realize why has been so out of it. 

Seth's head is a mess, inside dancing and praying, a cigarette he quickly lit to his lips and in a cluster of madness he tried to get it together. Deeply rooted madness making him restless and saying things he has no idea why they're escaping. 

"Just Hurting myself," He said, tightly from his teeth, shaking his head and frustrated with his ways. "You're so unhappy. You know this." Seth said, burning nicotine to his lungs. Why bother whimpering again, once he's swallowed whole by the peacefulness of his obscurity he's not worried it's more alarming than anything. Sometimes in the dark, alone, Seth would wish he'd black out, so he didn't have to search for words to deprecate himself. Emotions showed more than he could say at the moment. Chasing circles and searching, tasting and forgetting but not even a kiss on the forehead could reassure his mental pressure.  
Like rain, it pours and scrubs inside his head. Can never be wiped clean. The sky is down, tucked away with secrets and tears. Seth felt hopeless, the sun would be up soon. Skin is soft and eyes are red and evident yawns. His clothes are on and he's ready to find a different club, a different body and different way to let loose again. Another soul to be matched with no compatibility before the sun would be up. Before the birds are calling and wailing. When they're in about several shades before it's morning and he'll easily be forgotten. 

His soul becomes dampened and unknown like a forest. The night sky is cracking, opens and spills near the inside of the next day. He's cleanly dressed in black, his smile was straight, hair was fresh but the inside was tearing the shadows of himself easily with his mental process. Whoever he was bringing back to his hotel tonight they'll become empty to his memory of yesterday. They won't speak afterward. The partner might suggest getting his name but Seth won't allow it. Names weren't important and neither was a conversation. Just like Seth felt about himself. Never important. 

Nights like these to taste possible power. Kiss someone he doesn't know again, fuck with tired eyes wandering from seeing too much and knowing he won't be able to live with himself in the morning. Catching others, tears in his eyes to self-touches of fanaticism. This is only a measure of real life, no delusion, and blank expression.


	4. Actuality

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Let downs, visions and a special face.

It was the weightless, dropping sensation curling in his stomach. The sweat down his neck and swallowing himself down again. Why did he even put forth and effort to be let down? What type of formations was holding him back to not get the proper result? 

"Excuse me," Seth said asking the person sitting next him dressed in red.   
"I got no part no all? No intakes for script re-writes?" Seth asking urging for a response as the woman put down her cell phone to smile at him. 

"Attractive. Determined. Why aren't you like that when you step forth in the room to showcase to the rest of what that you're made of power?" She asked boldly, Seth watched her lips being drawn to everything displaying. He had to think about a response. 

"I don't know what type of ideologies you see but I just wanted a part in this film," Seth replied. 

"Not if you aren't fighting for it. Do you want to let those anxieties overrule every time you come here?" 

"Since my questions won't get answered, I'm best to be leaving," Seth said grabbing his bag and feeling stupid for even asking. 

"You're attractive. You know that's enough in Hollywood." 

"Your point?" Seth said, following the being who's kneeling in the tight red dress, hands on his knees and he flinches back with somewhat of an uncomfortable feeling. What could she possibly be staring at, 

"Most people want you to be yourself. No morals, just appeal. They don't wish for you to participate, be lifeless. I can already see that side of you." She spoke with articulate meaning like she meant it and Seth could feel the truth about being lifeless. His spent hours on the destruction. 

"I have a successful writing blog. I've had a few gigs. I just want something more. Something beyond that."

"Your features are intricate. Your teeth are perfect, boyish features and glorious dark brown eyes. You can have more gigs if you put more faith behind your attributes."

"I'm more than looks."

"So, you think talent matters in Hollywood? You think you're beyond the corruption and occult? You get any more famous than you are and you'll truly be fed to the ones who are already watching you." She said, her voice wedged in his ears while she was speaking closer to him and Seth was in a daze. Hidden in plain sight he's so unaware of things taking over. Like for instance, he's staring off into some other place not recognizing the little boy watching him. 

"Who are you talking to?" The red cheek chubby kid said. Lips as red as strawberries and so was his fingers, sticky substance of the actual fruit. While running up to Seth who felt the child's tiny finger tapping his knee. He came to, seeing in front of him was no one. The woman sitting next to him and before him wasn't even there. Shock, out of his mind and maybe she left so quickly he didn't take noticed in a daze. The young boy Mother was calling him to leave Seth alone so they could leave. Seth rocking back and forth and breathing heavy. Nothing felt like madness, just a collection of overwhelming fear. 

After walking down the hallway, Seth found the restroom. Immediately to his knees, his palms touching the toilet seat in an open stall to feel his bile filling up his mouth. The consistency of white and brown matter throwing up into the toilet. Releasing his panic, anger, and disappointment and tirelessly choking. His eyes water, his stomach curls, and cramps with each time his body forces him to feel as if no ground beneath him. 

Was this what demons do in their spare time while trying to be in human form. The ugly trepidation of himself, disgust and a mess.   
His phone vibrates and needless to say, he was not in the mood to talk but him mom was important to him. Even though he didn't treat her with the same importance about his life. 

"Hi, Mom," Seth said trying to collect his thought.   
"My son you sound terrible." She said concerned.   
"Not feeling well. About to do an audition." He lied, that audition was already over. The regret was already sinking in. 

"I want you to just do your best. Don't feel disappointed if things don't go your way." She proclaimed. Sadly, he wasn't in the mood for prayers. Had they be useful they may still turn into dust because he didn't believe optimism was working or helping him. 

Seth rushed himself off the cell. He's always available these days but what a way to keep himself crumbling with the spoiling deceit. Took a bottle of water to the sink from his bag to rinse his mouth, then clean it more with a pocket mouthwash he had handy. Breathing deeply and washing his hands he never noticed the sound of chewing gum, smelling like cinnamon that was near his neck meanwhile a figure standing to his left. Seth wasn't in the mood for things that wanted to come out and play in the middle hours. He wasn't made for this. 

"Panicking from nerves. Frigid but so limitless." 

Seth continued washing his hands as the words from a dreamy, firm and lively tone of voice. Was he cradled with the remembrance so quickly his nerves shifted into something subtle? Seth smirked, scoffed, drying his hands with the air dryer at the right of him on the wall. Ignoring the words passing to his ears. It didn't bother if someone wanted to be observant, yet so true it's an uncovered acceptance. 

"That doesn't sound like the Seth I once knew." 

"Who said you ever truly known him?" Seth said, turning behind to see the man of messy, light, neatly tussled hair. The lightness of bright brown eyes and skin in the dim lights. The restroom was still, you could maybe hear the dripping of the faucet but only it. Unable to support his inner self, drenched in memories from the look of an eye. The long tanned jacket over a suit mixed patterns of stripe shirt and a dark tie. Eyebrows were neat, features were still neat. Just older as Seth could see him standing against the wall of the bathroom stall next to the sink. Watching Seth, gazing, feeling touched. 

"You sound certain but hello to you too." The man replied as Seth was about to grab his bag off of the hook he placed it on before doing his other duties. 

"So you have a nice time seeing me ridicule myself," Seth said.

"Ridicule is to cause mockery. Don't think I'm here to do that. Besides the point, I wanted to check on you." 

"Well, you have now. So I'll be leaving." Seth was fixing his clothes before letting his bag strap hang on one shoulder. Feeling like a knife is going to saw him inside, he felt weak and thought of himself that way. Yet he couldn't get his hand to the door. The soft touch of the other man's fingers, gently processing for Seth to turn around and look at him. Look at his sadness, resistance and growing anger. What shows is anything but strong. 

"I really want to know how you are. How are you feeling?" 

Seth wasn't going to be personal but he hates these types of questions. How he is feeling isn't something he can pour out in gallons for anyone to understand. Inside, he once steps closer to a deepening unsettling lifestyle. How he's doing? Trying not to burn to flames and save what's left of him. These days it's not about what's eating him alive. It's about what going to feast on his in the upcoming hours, weeks, months and maybe years that send fear to him.

"I'm fine James," Seth replied but with the height of his eyebrows was such a move. Suggesting by his facial expression it was true but he looked like he wasn't in the mood for talking. 

"I should trust you because it's what you say. Listen, I'm sorry for today but do things how they see things fit around here." 

"Good to know."

"Why haven't you want to go out anymore? The only reason I see you're even alive because you update your blog, occasionally in the newspaper and gigs. I'm not deserving?" James responded, at least Seth could hence genuinely but it never matters to him. Seth was on a clear bar of isolation these days in ways James wouldn't understand. Not even close.

"Well, James I'm a bit mentally worn out sometimes. At the end of the day, I like my peace. Where people aren't involved. I'm not up to much and as you can witness I'm fine." Seth said boldly, at least it was a light synopsis of his actual day.

"Throwing up in the bathroom doesn't sound like fine. You know you can talk to me. At least give me another reason, like normal people who say they just want their space."

"As if that's good enough?"

"It's something. I'm just asking for something." James responded concerned.

"Yeah, then yes, I want my space. I like my space. Yet, you should know it's just another word that people use who are afraid of getting close." Seth replied walking away and reading to retreat, squelching under himself, feeling sick again but the levels of doneness he has retracted his soul is obviously there. He left James in the restroom who eventually walked the other way. It was his work, his offer, his project but Seth couldn't be apart of it. Seth knew better, he knew James probably fought for him but couldn't go to the extent of why without turning up noses. 

Yet as Seth finally gets to his car he could feel James probably up in his office staring him down from the glass window. A sharp gaze, James looked like a weapon of alluring senses and features. From his chin to collarbone and his lips to his eyes. 

Meanwhile, Seth could drag himself through dirt at this point. Fallen leaves against his body somewhere other than L.A., his hands wouldn't put up a fight. A rhythm of shallow breaths and pulsing blood in his veins. Mistaken, consuming, with the nervous indication. He never felt this sick but he got a lot for one day in the course of five hours. Why couldn't he have a peaceful weekend like floating on fluffy clouds between something that's warm and satisfying but he has to retreat to the real life he wants to have more in this industry. 

A mix of an old friend and letdowns there is nothing peaceful in the freshness of afternoon wind.


	5. Pacify

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Seth goes out for something fresh but meets a familiar face again with a personal discovery by the very end.

At night it got even stronger and wilder, accompanied in the midst of the others. The nightclub was highlighted by dim lights, dark walls and highlights with neon colors. The illuminated hot pink, the warm and passion of neon dark purple. The travels of young people dancing and escaping. Since it's allowed, Seth lit a cigarette, the smoke showing in the air as he blew it up to the ceiling leaning back in the chair. He could see himself in the mirrored ceiling, turning the music out slowly from his ears, in his own world with happy faces and destruction. Everyone has a piece of themselves to release. 

The hands of a woman, lightly touching his barely stubbled jawline and sat on his lap. Her soft kiss and soft looking lips. Young and gullible. Seth never met her, she's offering a prize he doesn't want to ignore, though. They don't speak one word as she gazes and dances in front of him. His high was still here from the ecstasy someone gave him when he made it here. So seeing the black haired tiny figured diva entice him wickedly, his hands was ready to retreat elsewhere. His tolerance for pills and alcohol started to become looser but close to stable for someone his age. Or it must be the pattern that this is what he does a lot of nights. Her body bent for him again and again while shaking amongst his eyes. Seth grabbed her hand and found some hallway to the bathroom, stopping in its path with other's who are making out, Seth didn't hesitate to push his lips against hers. 

His weight immediately overpowered her, she tried to retrain his hands but Seth came on so strong. The sucking of her lips and hands touching around her bottom frame. He kissed her neck repeatedly again and the music gets louder. Her hands scoped slowly down his chest and his hands between her legs touching her thighs but she got even more uncomfortable. She swayed his hands away, they were moving up more and more to feeling her lace panties but Seth got pushed away.

"Hey, I'm sorry. I'm moving too fast."

"Yeah, you kind of are." The black haired girl stated, rolling her green eyes and felt annoyed now. "I'm just out for a good time not to fuck you in a club."

"I'm sorry, I didn't mean too. I'm just so high tonight. Out of my head." Seth was saying loudly, nervously over the music. 

"You're really hot but I don't..." She said stepping forward yelling in Seth's ear directly. "I'm a virgin. I'm sorry man." She said, but Seth told her there was nothing to be sorry about. "You came on strong and I followed but I didn't want anything from you." She said then walking away very fastly. Seth wasn't going to force himself, he wasn't intentionally trying to but he was quite a mess tonight. He leaned against the wall, eyes closed with his head making a dull thump against the wall. 

"I take it, you don't go after virgins?"

Seth could hear the music tune out again, the voice was too husky and lively. Again and again was he dreaming or was it someone he knows standing across from him, watching his try to collect himself. 

James was standing across from Seth standing there as his black shirt is ridden up and exposed thin. His leans stomach and narrow waist. His milky skin was heaving slightly with every breath, Eyes glowing in bright lights and why was Seth being haunted by it again. The last time they seen each other wasn't on good terms for Seth and neither is tonight.

"First time should be something you want, something that's fulfilling to oneself decision," Seth said, staring at James as he stepped closer to him and Seth wasn't in the mood to hear him speak more about nothing. As James steps closer, his gaze was more gradient and strong. Slightly touching Seth's jacket to pull himself closer. 

"I think between us, we'd know how first times can be something great." James was playing with Seth emotions, as he shook his head and Seth doesn't need to re-live situations. 

"Why are you even here?" Seth asked.

"Well, I was here before you, at the bar. Then stood near the back dancing and then I saw you with her."James said but it wasn't like the other persons seems interested. "So is this what you do when you need 'space'?" James said. 

Seth wasn't about to give an answer. James wasn't some authoritative figure, they knew each other for a long time, James is like one or two years older and Seth didn't have to explain himself. 

"Is that all you want to know?" Seth said, hinting he didn't want to talk. He felt like a wreck, wanted to be loose as always. Typically young, still standing and struggling against odds. James grabbed his arm without letting him locate himself elsewhere. Pushing Seth even further down the dark warm neon hallway. Shaking his head.

"Seriously, what's going on?" James watched Seth brush his nose and looking heated. Flushing to his pale skin and guilt with shame. "You take pills, drink and kiss random girls?" 

"Like you never did it?"

"Yeah, when it was us. Together. You know, being safe and not going overboard. Plus that was years ago." James said and it was clear to Seth's memory what they used to do.

"So I have to apologize for still doing my own thing?" Seth just sighed, looking at James being quiet but coming to an understanding. "You don't know have of what I feel and why I do anything." 

"You're right. I haven't in a while but you know don't need things like this." James said, in a low husky whisper, a breath away from Seth's face. 

Seth in the new profounded world for himself is macabre and lifeless, scratchy surfaces. In Seth's world, no one would see the orange moon blinking, strong and chilly, life moving too slow and no change. His life is stale of his young silhouette, dried up hours like dead leaves throughout the day. His self-touching, his self-hatred, his promise to break free of his mind but this was it. If James only knew what he's seeing tonight, is was what made his life work. His life is where he's stuck, the moon isn't free nor running with clouds to cast faints lights like what people usually visualize. 

"Unless you're going to fuck me, don't bother lecturing me and telling me what I need," Seth said sharply, clenching and serious when his dark hazing eyes view the man before him. Seth said those words for his night to be exactly of what he wanted. If it wasn't going to be James, it was definitely going to be someone else. 

His high was like floating, half conscious, closing every now and again. Seth could feel the softness of his bed and his close coming off. The lean and skinny being on top of him. James was caressing Seth's hair and thinking how could he look so good in glasses. Seth was always admiring James looks but Seth was just a fitted type of guy who didn't class himself as hot or sexy. Even though he was. Young, prominent hip bones and ribs, he didn't look weak or fragile. Even if he's conjuring up to fuck with no basis because he feels weak and fragile. 

The nipping against Seth's chin as James was easy his pants down. Just as quiet and breathing, scents and given attraction. Sex like this was always quick, always unnecessary but the drugs proclaimed sexual desire. Seth's mental voice would say he needed it, every bit of it, this was what made him feel confident in only a few seconds. The deepest swimming, his face against James neck, heavy moaning and inside he feels like he's breaking. How easy to give in to someone who once had you all the time. The way Seth is a bit shorter, underneath him and resting his hands on James back, grip his shirt and barely wrapped his legs around his waist.

The way James palmed at Seth's ass when he pressures his cock inside him again and again. Flushed pink, red than usual, Seth moans and clearing his throat. When their eyes meet with the furrowed intensity it's like sending electricity down each other's spine. Seth;s cock was lazily against his lower belly, engorged and glistened. Too high for touching himself, his hands met elsewhere but the pressure he felt was keeping more aroused. In the midst of glitter shimmering over his eyes with beauty, Seth was getting fucked deeper and deeper. The way James' cock breached his entrance, panting, whimpering, while Seth lazily let his tongue encircle against the other man's lips. Trying to escape for that need, the need of how sex is easy to forget what's going on around you. His prayers were hoping to tell James to never stop, feel him like he used, gaze at him like he used to but this hardly had a passion like it use to. 

 

Licking, biting, grasping muscles, a trace of veins and raw. Inside, thrusting profoundly and Seth could possibly bite James' shoulder. Almost coming down from his high, force eating his spunk that's on James' hand while it's pushing down in his mouth. Seth looks at him, his own mumbling praise when Jame's was getting a finish of his seed to smear inside of Seth. It was like becoming one with the bed, breathing and chasing air. Like fire scorched and brand new. Seth hasn't been this open in years while the thought of being sore the next day felt like a delight. The consumption of pain that he felt is deserving. 

Usually, after sex, no names are being given except those people Seth don't know personally. It was never needed, a waste a time and conversation that deemed useless. Seth didn't have to worry about that tonight. He didn't pull away from James nor complain. Rolled over beside of him, Seth watching Jame's chest going up and down, catching, breaking and beautiful skin. Glowing and sweaty. Seth is still trying to come down from the quick business of sex they just encountered he didn't deem himself done. Seth felt something, scratching, begging and it was entering deeply inside of him. 

Could be the alcohol, the fixture of neediness and blame. The mild set of breaths being combined as Seth looked debauched, tired, out of his head but still in the clear. His body slouching over James with nothing being said. He carelessly grinding himself against the other man with glowing eyes even in the darkness. Touching Jame's hand and easy it slowing, the pink blushes on his ribs, letting Jame's analyze every part of his upper body with feel. Seth stared into his eyes with every touch, coming up further and further close to grabbing something. Seth continued, easing Jame's hand as he breathed tiredly to place it around his throat. Felt like sanity hitting the floor, Seth never conjured up anything rough or playful. Yet, tonight he was testing himself, truly and thoughtfully. James' said nothing, looking confused and not sure if Seth was clear. James realized his hand was being told to grab Seth's throat he snatched his hand away quickly. Plain and emotionless, Seth's limbs began to shake but he was sure of what he wanted. He gripped Jame's hand tightly again, forcing it to his power, unsettling form of intimacy but it was vivid. Seth moved Jame's hand directly to his throat, pressing his fingers around his neck to make the other man see the picture. Feel the heat from his neck, his veins are ready for something they can't receive. Seth's hand was shaking but his eyes were daring, asking but too bad they can't directly speak. 

"Please..." Seth asked. So softly it could almost be unheard. Shakingly, eyes watered and red. Begging with the look of a thousand content smiles that seemed like a perfect response. Jame's gladly gripped Seth's neck with no added pressure, even if Seth asked Jame's just to hold it tightly. 

James could see a man with flaws but Seth knows his reflection isn't extracting, a self-image masked and truly shamed. The sweat trickling down Seth's face, his hair was a mess, his body was sticky but he didn't feel done. He didn't feel complete and he may not know what he wanted at this moment but this. Only this. Jame's hand gripping more and more, bring Seth;s face downward, making Seth's body bend forward and calmly. There's a force here, beyond them both, in a sleight of mask and revelation of skin between them. Seth's head is bowed before the blue eyes and perfect chiseled features mixed with his own. Wanting to lick and bite what was before him but Jame's hand began t feel tighter and noticing how easily Seth could just take it. 

His lips couldn't form the words 'thank you' in this moment but James knows he's dealing with a person of something cruel to his image. Drug-induced and unsafe. Wildly untamed and not one bit cautious. So why would he ask for this, to be choked until he's blue until he's dreadfully in agony with a twisted mind? Other could fall for Seth for the worldly things they see, for the person they know can write something compelling yet Jame's knows he sees the shadows Seth falls in love with that follows him deeply. Choking and grasping the man on top of him, Jame's knows the dark threads of someone. This intimacy alone is pure lust but its exposure is more than this. Something that may become irresistible and honest. 

Is honest something he can handle? From a man behind his shining light is dying inside living behind his small castle walls.


	6. Feels

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> After the nightcap with James, Seth is reminiscing, distant and prevailing a new desire.

The water beneath Seth's feet, the body is instantly cold but treading warmness after a shower. Shirtless and boxers. Cigarettes and dreaming. A body is still in the midst of being sore, exhausted and lighting. The cigarette was close to the burning lighter, orange and yellow flame in the wind. The feeling of fingers up his back, Seth had to easily remember things so quickly. From his shoulders to the small of his back, Seth felt touches, then a kiss on his right cheek. Soft lips and gentle. James smiled happily, could he see Seth juggling his head against himself and not in any desire. 

Seth could feel uneasy hear water running softly in the bathroom from the sink. Quietness and feel sadness. Against a gray cloud constantly in the sun, did James want to see the real aftermath of Seth's life or one he could pretend he can't see at all? Feet against concrete, Seth's arms meeting the cold bar of the balcony and so far away from ending it all.   
For this moment, in a whole day, couldn't surpass the strength of an issue. 

Cold, distant, puffs of gray smoke from hs mouth. Disappearing from the wind. "Since when did you ever start smoking?" James said while helping himself to a cigarette. "Once upon a time you despised these things. Killing you quickly." James eased against his ear and viewing Seth's not-so-input on the morning after of their sexual nightcap. How the smoke drifts in the wind, if only James could see Seth's soul encompassing within it effortlessly. Always. He enjoyed anything these days killing his quickly. 

Seth shrugged it off, reasons and no reasons, everything becomes a habit. The way you sleep, how you smile, how you breathe and how you smoke with the air tickling your nose is just as a habit than most. Their's no clove of roses and peppered tastes just burnt ash and blackened lungs. Silence and peace. The redness in Seth's eyes, burning and bright because now James could see the hurt. Uneasy as Seth continues to look bothered when these are the first words he even said as they woke up. James felt his fingers touch Seth's fingers that were slightly over the balcony bar, cold and pale things and lovely that he didn't hesitate. He was searching for Seth to look at him but he wouldn't. Gazing into the confusing parts and watching Seth close his eyes but not knowing what wishes are being cast. 

"Sex is just sex," Seth said sharply. Instantly. 

James scoffed, confused even. "Excuse me?" 

"No need to make it such a big deal the morning after," Seth said while letting his fingers not touch the man standing next to him. His eyes merely roll, his feet hit the cold wood and he's trying to look into a dresser for a shirt to put on. Meanwhile, with frustration wishing, James would leave so he could bask and forget but he couldn't get the shirt in his hands without James ripping it away from him. Behind him, breathing against Seth's neck. 

"You don't have to feel shame about anything you do. At least not with me. I never gave you reasons to before." 

James knew Seth's jaw was clenching, fiercely controlling his inner demons. Shame, as if this was the only thing Seth could feel rising in his belly. If his own reflection wasn't showing in the mirror as they both were displayed, Seth could see his scars, the same hand mark and realizing how insane it was to visually ask to be choked in heat last night. The energy here, against skin and skin, burning painfully slow. 

"You ever remember what it was like before last night?" Seth asked and eyes closed. James wrapping his arms around Seth while his lips slightly kiss his shoulder. He knows there's something eating away at him. Feeding, hungry and something wanting to break free. 

"I always remember while you're running away. Forgetting." James said, husky and softly. His thumb touching against Seth's chest, sliding across the redness and thinking what on earth is Seth wheeling in his brain. 

"I wonder if I scared you," Seth said. 

"I think I can see a bit of what's in your head," James replied. 

"My head is everywhere. Right now I wish I never left before I became someone you probably don't recognize." Seth stated. 

His eyes closing and could rewind a thousand suns back when he and James knew each other since their teens. First time to enclose a great moment together and after that feeling inseparable. Before the mass of brooding departure and isolation Seth once had a delighted life. If that is what one would call it. 

Seth could remember being to the point him and James were fascinated by sunlit forests pulsing with life, yielding streams of rivers, fields of gold under the high clear blue sky dotted with colorful flowers. See, it sounds all too real. Almost fantasy. As if they got older too quickly, where they were living, fucking, collecting and wielding out their dreams and became their oasis. Seth would write all night, scribbling out the margins on paper and James would sit reading and practice lines with the stains on his fingertips. 

The two of them, smiling but never overdoing it. It was the case of ambition before it crumbled. Before Seth felt like depression as plucking him out by the bones. They were shining stars within trembling trees. 

Like the summer of college before they dropped it all for L.A. in 2005, full of raw energy, craving adventure and freedom. Still young as they are now, knowing they could live their own path and be in some form of love. What is it like now, as the time has passed, changed and became later than ever? Seth stopped talking, from fail attempts that he couldn't surpass what James had accomplished he wasn't energetic anymore. So easily discouraged but beyond breaking. 

Seth could open his eyes and see James standing there against him with his eyes meeting his, a familiar silhouette and presence became this unsettling place Seth didn't want to bring him to. When you're searching to forget reality, with someone who used to know you, it's just a stable greeting. Their white lines, the strong wind coming from the balcony into the room and the ocean filling up the horizon. 

Like the fruit of labors Seth knew what he wanted but how could he allow himself to get so close to touch. 

"I recognize you're in some form of pain," James said piercing his eyes while Seth was wishing his own existence could be lifted away from his shoulders. 

"What if I asked for more pain?" Seth said. Passing his thoughts and feelings into a man who wouldn't understand. Where nothing is so constant in his life he asks a daring question. 

 

James thumb sliding across Seth's jaw, across his pink lips and softly guides it down his neck. "Pain can be freeing, for some. That's perfectly fine." James knew the continuation and wasn't sure if he knew exactly what Seth truly wanted. 

Seth didn't know how or what to ask for. He knew the hands he could trust, hands he once had daily and hands he once used to hold onto for days. He guided James thumb across his neck, making his open his hands and trail his fingers around veins and his Adam's apple. The coarse view of pink flesh and warmness. James breathed deeply and so did Seth. It was like som blazing force, wedge inside and with a ripe taste. 

"This, this is what you want?" James said, his light grip alone was enough to drive Seth's mind into stolen hours he doesn't want to remember. 

"Yes, and even more." Seth wasn't sure how to make it clear. The way he turned his head and let his eyes be the only thing fearfully explaining how much pain he feels. All his skin, in one man's hands, like it's never been done before. How could he crystallize his mind to allow James to his head, inside an incomprehensible matter of gray? His early hangovers and sexcapades to be driven off for the time being if James was willing. Seth knew James would do anything for him. 

Although, Seth knows he isn't asking for morning smiles and coffee that's mild and bitter with useless conversation. He's asking to be kept inside, and keep his fears and destruction out of the path with something that isn't going be a cure. 

He always had something with James, Seth was a mark where James could touch anywhere and Seth stopped allowing it. He allowed the phone calls to die, to let the text go unanswered knowing good and well he can never forget his laughter without his. He was perfect for hiding himself behind the callous attitude and making James believe he didn't remember what he uses to be. Seth always found a reminder, in L.A. there were plenty of them. Yet, he couldn't blame the city for toxicity. 

James kept looking into Seth's eyes, the body is younger, softer, gracious and his eyes are just asking the little things himself can't bare. James had the look as if he could drop a tear because this is the only thing he gets asked of in months and months of being pushed away. Yet, he'll do it for him out of care. After what he saw last night he may have been hesitant to even think to deny a request. 

"I could do anything. As you wish, whatever you need." James said with a kiss to Seth's forehead. 

Jame's strength could master, not to fall or tear, keep coiled and together. James doesn't know the imprisonment in the man he holds, Seth's building walls within prisms within himself. No secret strength and no powerful flower with thorns could bite his sadness away. 

 

This is only the beginning of two halves of a broken globe spinning on a crooked axis. Seth might begin to ooze himself out of his skin and James may not be able to stitch the flow.


	7. Modify

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In Seth's Pov, he tries to illustrate his memories after each submissive encounter with James after agreement. All in light.

I forgot he received a key. I slept all day after another hook-up with a note asking me to slow it down. Breathe again and have a look at a list. It was the light blue notecard, _Your list awaits you by your laptop_ , and how did I manage to not see it tickling my nose for attention. I was half naked with a questioning cigarette burn on my right side with no end at trying to abide the saltiness fruit of my desires. I forgot that I had even asked James to participate in some committed submission. I wasn't even sure at what it was, what it could be or did anyone feel like I did. His words felt assuring but also doubting. I rubbed my eyes and tried to glance at the paper with discussions on my proposal. It had a title with _Kink for Beginners_ and I was trying to think, I felt more spontaneous to the findings rather than thinking about them checking out boxes on the paper. 

☒ Biting  
☑ Choking  
☒ Exhibitionism  
☑ Completed item  
☒ Spitting  
☑ Flogging  
☒ Child Play

I have taken notice there are about 300 other different kinks on this list. 

**journal entry 3:38pm**  
\- _11/23/2016_

I wasn't sharp, I wasn't focused, I just want the time to pass and be reminded how pathetic my situation is. "This is how you will greet me when I'm here and my only time is 9:00pm," he said. I was sure to be free from clothes and free of any of my recent habits because under submission and domination it's no allowed. You know what I'm worried about is the stimulation from it all. My brain is already burning up of possibilities and believing I'll fail. My mind is in the dark mass of unwavering truths and before this I was bounded for death. Soon enough this is the last of what I have to try before I decide.....

**journal entry 10:32pm**   
_11/24/2016_

With observation, I could see more than feel. The taste is still fresh on my lips and the smell is real and wrapped around my neck in a death grip, making it impossible for my mind to focus on the next logical course of action. The passionate grind against my bare ass and every time I asked to be choked harder James didn't mind it. I had a word to give him if became too much but I don't think I know my limits. 

It was easy to let go in my pants just by the feeling of his cock against me. I know he could feel my loose ambiance slipping and scoring his body standing behind me with just the force of his hands to turn on the needing lust I wanted. It all just feels like a distraction, things I could easily do if it wasn't in agreement. The sadness keeps you feeling insatiable, the body craves it and my mind is still. I'm fracturing time and can't glue it together once he pushes me away and laughs with daring noise to tease me. I think I asked for teasing, or this was part of one of my fantasies. Either way, I feel like a mess tonight.

**journal entry 1:22am**   
_\- 11/27/2016_

I notice myself becoming a conscious production of sweat with every pore the more I let him take charge. The hue of red light from m bedroom sparks our shadows with a ravenous method for fucking. James could hold me down and thrill my throat with his print. I don't think I felt half of what felt today alone from sanity. I saw how needy I became tonight alone, my hands held onto his wrists as he gripped more and more. Knowingly, I shouldn't touch him but he could view my soft eyes I needed it. I want to feel lost in a deception of the path. James let his hair nuzzle against my face, his lips against my ear as I had to brace myself for his voice as I closed my eyes, being choked and fucked. 

"My hands won't let go of you unless you want me to." He was huskiness and making me feel like I could stand on the end of everything. really wanted him to choke me until I went blank, it was closer to the darkness I'll ever be than this.

**journal entry 4:15pm**   
_11/30/2016_

I had no reason to control a beast in my head. The second I flew up from my desk to the knock on the door, drop my clothes to the floor and greeted James as I was always told. He never showed up a minute late but I should feel bad for never saying anything more in the time after. From endless smacks across my face, fingers in my mouth and saliva producing to an unbelievable amount. He brought straps, cleared my table and placed me on m back. He wanted me to relax but it looked like I was fucking myself on nothing. My arms and ankles have never been so restricted and I'm doubled over in panting. James used his hands alone to ship, smack and spank the front of my body. The leather whip, shining and needing something own with a mantra on fire. James never looked so fierce, so sure and smirking. I'm exposed, I groaned from whip after whip the way it hit my skin and never eased to soothe. Once I was close to giving in with a safe-word, I believe I forgot what it was and felt his hands cool my skin with oil. The aftermath of this was unexpected or perhaps it neve got to this point. 

**journal entry 7:22pm**   
_\- 12/1/2016_

 

I licked on fabric, then push it down into my mouth, moaning as James girth fills my mouth more than anyone else's has. I bob my head up and down and he groans in response, fingering me deeper as I angle my ass to get more. I can finally block all my thoughts, numb every limb and my body isn't half as built to keep up for such devious things. What was I asking? Proposing? Offering? Absolutely nothing. A reason to look forward to another day while I whined more as James on and on. My mind, puzzling with a difference and relentless. I could still sense it in m memory when we would be in poppy fields of heaven and sex wasn't tasteless. I can't offer James anything nor even look at him after I'm finished. After the cum is sour and spilled across the floor and satisfaction is still running a course that I can't grab. I watched him blindfold me and could find my fiery sub-filled source, taken and used and cast away just to put my mind at ease. I do enjoy the simpler aspects, having to be naked after our encounter and lie on the bed and rest even when other things are in place. James seemed to put my self-needs first but the other parts of destruction are still calling. Calling for me to tear the vines off of flowers every night.

**journal entry 1:17pm**   
_\- 12/16/2016_


	8. Feel

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Seth and James, another night that falls more deeper than it should.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Not at liability to quote or link where the inspiration to this came form. Just know the original viewing is far better than mine but it was inspired greatly for this story as a whole and for Seth's character. That is all.

Seth had another letdown. He hadn't seen James in a few weeks. His pulsation wasn't convulsion and no type of need. Escapism was calling, that's the thought that drifts in his head when his time feels like it's slipping. 

Seth only had to whisper the words _I need you_ and James could appear in a flash. With the gray clouds, hollow nature and deserted tone James tried to follow every needy pace that Seth was offering. Seth, young given flesh and shaking. The sound of James footsteps, kissing the floor and not bothering to notice Seth wasn't greeting him like he should. Gripping Seth's hair, you could probably see it from the balcony if you would standing low. 

There's something conclusive about dead silence. When a dying person cries, there's still hope for survival but in the silence that follows death, it's a hopeless black void. What happens in the silence of sad eyes falling to the gray and jarring someone's heart. 

"You don't have to want this. Not if you don't need it." James said as Seth pulled him closer, clinging heavily. Seth couldn't even lift up those brown eyes to even look at him. 

_'Is my sadness this imaginary?'_ Seth thought. The way he breathed, and breathe, and breathe then it becomes nothing. James stature, stronger by a bit, the tussled light tan streaks of hair flowing and Seth could see every measure in his face. James focused on him, closer as his body heat builds, all part of them touching so closely and tightly. Tasteful undeath Seth's chin, James was muttering things only one person close enough could hear, his voice was always a signal. Seth could close his eyes and drift and believe this would make him "fine." 

Stolen hours after sunset, the way Seth grabbed at Jame's jacket, the rattle of the zippers and buckles. The view of Seth's face being forced to open and let go. James tried the same lingo, the same still silence and it felt ravishing. James fingers, long and cunning, gripping Seth's jaw, tightly and making him obey by a view. James has the look, _'I got you'_ written across his learning look. Seth was a puppy, he was touching anything that walked his way, he'll embody himself to things he can't have his alone time. His sexual ideas and accomplices don't add to anything substantial. 

"You can make decisions. No one ever said in a submissive position you are pointless." James said softly. Seth felt pointless, unforgiven and useless. An easy drought of ideas and no worth. Pressing cherry lips, sweet, minty and clean. Behind a suicidal figure with a soul, Seth body ached more, he didn't have to be fucked, stretched or pulled to know without sex he was still in pain. He brings himself to his knees and makes James spread bones that give him access to his cock. Unraveled from sighs, unraveled from James pulling his head tightly and softly as he moaned against bone. 

Seth wants this but also wishing it was over. Like everything he tried in the past few weeks wasn't enough. His nervousness may have multiplied by ten and hearing James making him take a breath. How Seth wiped his mouth, hand son his thighs and bent over. Breathing and breathing with no end. _'How do I make this enough, how do I feed what's tearing me up inside.'_ Seth felt, he thought and he personally begged. 

 

Quietness later, their clothes barely off and only making it onto the middle of the bedroom floor. Silence itself can be unnerving.  
A ghostly slice or emptiness can be eerie. Or perhaps the calm after a tornado surrounded by the visual display of destruction. You could not hear Seth cry but you could feel it. Every part of him cold even to how lost his eyes seemed towards James. The thrusts against his prostate, skillful hands and Seth doesn't even wince to how James crooks his fingers inside before entering. 

_I'd take anything at this point._ Seth thought. Sharpness in the mind, dark empty space, even as James continues to keep Seth bowed on top of him. Seth didn't have to ask for his soul t be fractured, James perfect hands pulling Seth's head back as he thrust inside his asshole, it felt like a shoulder blade carving inside of Seth. Jutting from each form pain he could find when being asked to get fucked harder and harder. It's hollow and holy, Seth begged softly, weakly and James kept on as promised.

_Harder!_  
_Harder!_  
_Harder!_  
_Harde!_

One set of hands, one bruising throat, James sweats he gritted his teeth in the silence as he kept pulling Seth down harder on his cock within the request. Seth's eyes opening and falling, a look of no realization and no satisfaction again and again he begged. Stronger within his reach, Seth pressed down forward on James' chest, continuously with darting sad eyes and a will to let go. Unwavering lumbering breaths, "I love this...I love this," Seth said. His broken breaths, like swallowing wings that flutter into his mouth down to his stomach. 

_No one else._  
_No one else._  
_No one else._  
_No one else._

James is only outcasted in this mix, just a prop, just a being, used and delicate, vulnerable but want to see what could be done or what could be said. Seth whispers in his head, without a true desire for them to come out as they keep doing so. His hands glide slowly across Seth's bare chest, warm to touch as he leans back and owns what's underneath him. 

"Use me. As you please." James stared at him as he spoke. 

"Keep telling me. Keep telling me." Seth said, repeatedly. 

No fine print welded into stretch marks, that demands  
this touch is to be forgotten. Seth leaned back, continuously taking a thrusting hard flesh deeper as he his eyes went to the ceiling. He could see pain, he could see pleasure, he could see nothing and begging for the thought to make him choke. Seth kindly poured himself out more, the more he leaned forward taking control, lips almost touching, body bending force with red eyes. 

_Bite._  
_Fuck ._  
_Marks what's yours._  
_I need to know I'm alive._  
_That this is even happening._

The intense feel of being fucked and stretched out, clenching in his lower abdomen, the tighter it felt the more Seth felt breathless. His whines in the heat, the solid light in the room only peak a little from the glowing moon. _Keep telling me._ Seth begged until James pulled on his hair gripping him into reality to make him stop. Seth pink lips, getting bitten as he kept fucking and kept holding everything in. His flesh being fragile, to tear apart and for pain is a reminder how he can't be fixed. 

Seth pressed hard on James' chest, the way he slowly ground his ass, his cock hitting James' belly and moaning heavily. Bowing his head and James grips his wrists behind his back to press his cock further into Seth's ass. 

"I live for you. I live for this. I live for this. I live for this." Seth said like a trance, strangely, deeply and softly. 

James felt confused, Seth looking lost in the eyes but still meeting his with the man below that's glowing. Seemingly burning hot, searing cold, red blushes and he's going to let words stain on James skin. 

"I live for this. I live for this." Seth kept saying again, closing over his irises as he cried out. He can't hear James bring his head down closer to whisper in his ear to calm down. Yet, Seth is breaking open like a wound that can't heal. The wound of what this was supposed to be is to latch it and get it to suffice but it can't and it won't. James petted Seth's hair, one hand at a time repeatedly slowly thrusting to catch themselves. 

Like the sea, dark, violent and raw, Seth feels suffocated at the taunting feeling of his sadness crawling across his skin. Why did they have to come out and be a remembrance during a time of euphoric release and relaxation? Wounding tight around him as he continued to cry out and it happens to be the last straw. 

Cupping Jame's face, but still not in reality. James could see Seth's tears falling, helpless like seeing something black and endless. Can't be seen or undone nor touched inside and James realizes he can't finish this.

"I wanna be yours! I wanna be yours! I wanna be yours!" Seth cried out on a tilting tone like a scream and James stopped his movements, with his lips out trying to make Seth keep it down and get him to keep calm but Seth wouldn't lower his voice. James hopped up accidentally having Seth roll on his back on the cold floor as he begged for James and James grabbed Seth by arm pulling him close so quickly. 

Seth's had on Jame's naked lap, his tears wouldn't stop and his words wouldn't end.

"Calm down, calm down, calm down," James said in a whisper. Gently touching the soft black hair, gently caressing and hearing sniffles. The more Seth looks like he's going to outburst James reassures he's in an okay place. His hands won't pry nor hurt. 

"That's not how we do this....that's not how we do this." James cooed softly while his voice sounds close to breaking. Unrefined and unadulterated fire. Cooling and quiet while warm bodies stick together. James was right, that isn't how _this_ is done, that isn't how you get yourself to drift away and fall for the demons as they poke in the midst of sex. Seth was still trying to get his composure together and still whispering and not once looked up at Jame's who's too concerned. 

How can you seek out what's in his head? Where and why did it get this bad for an allegory of hurt? He's been gone for years to not know any of Seth's tales of sorrow and mistakes. 

"That's not what I wanna do to you. That's not what I wanna do you."


	9. Melancholia: Part 1

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The aftermath of an argument with James, it leaves Seth in the end siding with the darkness.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> "[Eyes Half Opened](http://archiveofourown.org/works/1108971/chapters/2589259)" in my Paradise Circus fic inspired me to show similarities of discussing darkness in this chapter and foreshadowing the finale.

The breathing, the tightness, the suffocation. The endurance. Seth allowed his skinny form to lean against the bathroom door. Like he was mouthless. Shuttering and faithless. The minute James stepped in Seth felt that withering shame, he wants to hide. 

"Seth...." James spoke. His pale knuckles tapping the wood door for the other man on the other side. The hint of gray in his eyes might just be from his mood than just appearance. Breaths against the wood again.

He was just seeming to explain his issue to face his own reality, close enough to each detail and every feeling. The last time his body was in James lap, discouraged and disassociating. Convinced sex wasn't going to fix a burning truth. 

Seth heard James breathing, scoffing, probably running his long fingers through his hair and putting on his long coat. Pacing the floor back and forth and scared shitless from the horrendous silence. Yet, it was an explosive argument or more personal than expected. It was truth and Seth as tired of not explaining his truth. Seth and his willingness to feel incomplete and never satisfied. Gazing at his legs crossed on the light periwinkle tile floor, the pink flesh underneath his feet and can't bear to hold his head up to be strong. 

"I fucked up." Seth kept muttering to his self. Wiping away tears that started to fall. The croaky tone that's breaking and delivering. The sound began to echo, the heart is floating in his gut, saltwater tastes and dripping on his chin. James was so still, the sound of Seth banging the back of his head against the door and James was infinitely helpless to this. 

The coldness, he didn't want to move. Seconds again you heard nothing. Felt nothing, like a skeleton, bones without fluoride while cracking and crumbling. Seth lying on the floor hoping to fall and disappear like into white powder. Living like a ghost in a big town, small apartment, mostly decent but spilling to the brim with silence and expectations. Who was going to his savior? Seth was supposed to let this play out, quietly he knew it would all be over. No more innocence in some glorious youth, no fun in the garden and a calling with happiness. 

Seth saw more darkness in his soul just like his dreams or nice welcoming taste of his soul coming to life. Seth could visualize his heart soaked in darkness that came only with the poison of death and sorrow, clinging and clawing at his insides and slowly pulling himself apart one by one; seeping into the ends of his hair, into the pools of his eyes, stretching across the miles under his pale skin, thin and papery like the clipped wings of butterflies.

The mind being a prison, as it's slowly fading forever now. His eyes couldn't stay open, intense of the rush of blood racing everywhere and weaknesses. The heat of sudden anger and lost love. Seth allowed being crashed into, destructive, malevolent and unable to stop the chemicals shut him down. Sharp, spiteful to oneself and hoping to he could be torn open like marble skin and finally gone. 

His breath began to get much lighter, his arms underneath his weight and spread across the bathroom floor and his bare body except his underwear becoming colder and colder. At some point he can see the ghouls after him, finally asking to come play like roaring winds building up in his ears, relentless and they're begging him to just let it all go. What he's done is unforgiving, drowning out the sound and his lips are barely moving now. Everything will be a blur amongst the fury. A fatal error, his worst miscalculation. He was hoping to spill into ashes letting the smoke become so thick to suffocating. Yet the bottle rolls on the floor and his hand doesn't even move, there's much quicker ways to do as you please.

 

The grayness overshadowing the meaning of living lifeless. His toes barely move, the way his chest went up and down was fading. Seth started not to be able to feel, he couldn't, even if he tried to feel it was about to be gone for good. Solitude and safety of the confines within the mind the precious ghouls could keep as they wanted to devour it. Drip acid from tongues and letting Seth reach the state of foam coming to the corners of his mouth. Deep down wasn't yelling or asking anyone to let it stop, his eyes were a shot and withering look of the most ghostly despair that can't be refined. 

He has no life, no light, for he gave it all the allegory of his illness. The brittle truth he left in his wake, to eat his own form alive from the inside out, to remind someone who may find him lying here that he tried to not let it control. That he wanted someone to be here so he didn't have to leave with confusion. Loneliness and depression are tiresome after all, and naivety is a trap waiting to be fallen into & chasing visions of himself into darkness. A human condition he can't stop himself from bathing in. Even if he can't lightly hear James knocking at the door and screaming


	10. Melancholia: Part 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> This is the last conversation James & Seth encounter that led to the inevitable and also a much more startling acceptance.

The unworthiness and shame. The gut control of twists and turns as Seth felt rotting inside to the core. He was marked and naked, on the couch with his head on Jame's thigh. This was the aftermath of sex, after being told what to do and how to do a sexual task. This was supposed to be happiness but Seth wasn't smiling.

He didn't want to be exposed like he was last time. Feeling the uneasiness that he could ask James to fuck him and be his Master tonight while James felt nothing happened the last time they got together. Even though Seth is quiet, there's always a reason for it. James didn't take notice, not immediately. By the time he tried, he heard, Seth say something to him he'll probably never get out of his head. 

"You know the same day you text me weeks ago, asking me if I was doing okay. I was going to kill myself that night." Seth stated. 

The solid look in his face. Careless in his words but how so? When he could only be honest. The silence was rattling and seeing James turn the tv off and starting with the hard look of instant confusion. Seth stood up to grab his boxers off the floor and feeling James grab his arm like he was ready to twist it. 

"Tell me, you're just pulling a fucking joke? You didn't mean to say, correct?" 

Seth's eyes were instantly watered, red, and he could feel a sword or something so sharp and huge in his throat. He was making it clear to not hide behind his emotions, what little of them that is left anyway. 

"You fuck me and in the midst of it, I have a breakdown. Doesn't sound merely as a joke." Seth said while looking down at the floor, couldn't dare to raise his small head and feel the point that he could collapse 

If he could, Seth would shiver to a pile of ashes and allow the gloom to continue winning. It already does so every day for years. Seth allowed this sex to suffocate him more, no matter how many hands choke him it couldn't make the depression breathless, just his bodily form. 

"If there's something you need to say if you need someone to talk to -" James said while being interrupted. 

"I am already saying it and that the feeling hasn't changed. It hasn't changed for years." 

James stance in front of Seth was different while wanting to be solid he had the fragile set going. His eyes flickering everywhere and not about to think or come to grips with the idea of what Seth is saying.

"Years Seth? When we were together I never saw you this way and I never saw you this unhappy." James said.

"Probably because happiness is an illusion and only once we accept the darkness that it's always here every day," Seth said. Darkness is like the daze you're caught in with smoke creeping to your head. Creating layers of hopelessness the more life goes on. 

"You haven't done anything to escape this darkness? Except shut me completely out." James spouted. 

"Fucking you has become one of many things I've done. Nothing has changed, that's my point here." Seth said with his stretch of words to get James to understand. 

Seth shook his head to James state of shock, just useless with nothing to say. In the bedroom, reaching for his cigarettes across the other side and into the red light coming through his bedroom lights. "You look at me with confusion as if you don't can't realize I feel empty. You of all people.." Seth said, shaking as he harshly let the nicotine hit his throat. 

"You're just fucking with my head," James said with a look so unmoving like he wasn't breathing, his tan skin almost light pink and the sweat and tan loose strands of hand over his forehead and tussled like always. His eyes, so wide only Seth could see. James allowing everything sound raspy as it leaves his voice, his mind is buzzing and the thought that Seth wasn't in his life seemed impossible. 

Even if it was good news could his shock be the same with the same physical reaction? Seth felt undone, to the evident of pieces that could clearly show James isn't blind to this. Seth wasn't going to allow anyone to be blind to an outcome of straight fear and death. Hallow tastes disassociation and feverish desire. 

Seth felt eased, calm, even the heights of his fate tonight wasn't bothering. James saw Seth step closer to him, his brown piercing more than they could and while he blew out smoke. 

"We fucked for the first time in five years and you tell me you didn't see a change in me that night. Tell me, I'm still the same person you use to know? I fucking dare you, to act as if this is even surprising." 

Seth just gets the silent treatment, like James was going to admit to it. He wanted no shame in this but what is there to be shameful about. Frozen and monotone. No feeling to deal with the broken and shattered. Seth got no answer, it felt so harsh enough to not be accepted and even more with someone who you've known all your life. This was beyond not feeling he was successful enough, not feeling like he was strong enough to make it in fields he wanted. Those were small things compared to darkness. 

Seth rushed himself passed James only for him to be pushed against the wall and forcing himself to be out of James' hands. James let Seth beat against his chest, push and wrestle their arms against one another.

"You just want to give up. You can't let something destructive eat you alive and continue to let it win. This isn't the correct way, I know this isn't what you want." James said.

"What I want? I have no control in how I feel but everyone has a belief this pain can be erased so quickly."

"You know, no one is saying that," James said gripping Seth face, with his eyes, so gazed into Seth's and trying to assure him it's okay to feel he does, he just doesn't want him to give up. 

What does one want to hear? Discuss the unsettling intimacy? Meanwhile, trying to dismiss the cause while breaking free from James. Someone who isn't cruel, someone who isn't twisted, with a self-composed smile that's so happily you couldn't dare be privy to. How come he just won't leave, don't get sucked dry by the mask that would have him by the throat. 

"I can drink and fuck my way to feeling so numb for two days straight. No matter how much I drown myself I get back up and feel again, be reminded again and then told be told this isn't the correct way to live my life? When all the other ways aren't working." Seth said after he broke free from James hands touching his cold face. You could barely see Seth as a whole, just a black silhouette in the dark hallway and the red bright aura coming from the bedroom. Like a shining acceptance of all his capabilities. 

"As if you don't have it all?" James said.

"Excuse me?"

"You're not a successful writer? Don't you have Oscars? Don't you have writing and literary achievements and a slew of awards in this beautiful well paid condo in the city of Los Angelas? Have you forgotten, that you are mighty but you haven't fallen? This isn't how you fall."

Despite achievements, how many times would Seth have to drink and fuck him to death in order to feel his insanity might be sane. 

James said to point awareness, the coolness in his voice as he stated each word. Laid out on top of one another. Between the cracks of what makes something real, is the force sleight of a mask. The revelation beneath its skin. You could slowly see the peak of pale skin coming closer when Seth's feet creaks towards James more. 

Seth slows and dark tone with a smirk and scoff. "You know a person lies with others, a person has flaws, a person may be successful but a person is never what you think they are just by earthly setting," Seth said. He went against the James, just touching the small of his chest quickly as he passed by. Seth wasn't followed. Even by the time James wanted to intrude, Seth went into the bathroom and let the wood face James and he knows what could prosper.

Seth knows, what's behind him and what's calling. James was most likely saying something along the lines to open the door but knowing it was best to leave a man alone. 

"And a person who can't handle seeing someone they love live like they're a shadow when they have all this power," James stated and asking him to open up the door. 

Glassy eyes, full and clear. Insignificant, deep as a silence the night sky holds, and how shallow his own heart is beating. You see a person in the dark, unashamed to tell you the truth. Honest, human, raw and with guilty choices it's beyond exposure. 

"What type of person lives knowing behind the scenes they're destructive and does nothing to stop themselves." Seth slid down the bathroom door and feeling James weight leaning against it. Seth knows his stance, what others think his accomplishments are but one must know it's a feeling so deep he can't erase with a click of a button. 

"Seth..." James said in the rattling silence of insanity. 

Seth felt nothing. Felt no longing, no desire, no love, no hate – nothing but a lingering sorrow, for him, for whatever anyone thinks of him in his fame, for the ones who find themselves caught up in his life. What was romance, fairy tales - what was true love, in the face of cold, harsh reality? Life is fickle and empty – love was a manifestation of the darkest cravings. It's a mix of consumption and lust. 

The orange bottle on the sink, pills spilled everywhere with choking and sobs of crying. Seth wanted to be as quick and silent. The closing of his throat the second he swallowed, the irrationality of one's decision. The floor never felt so cold, the world never felt so doomed and his mind never felt so relaxed. Do you ever question what made you become so absent from the people who love you and the people who made you? 

Seth's stomach is bordering on seventeen white stained chemicals, a salt, and pepper sky with him visual of ghostly appearances who have been here before but this time Seth may not fail. Seth's soul is shattering like a thunderstorm, his tears can't stop flowing no matter how badly his beats against the bathroom. James grabbed his coat and left, Seth could hear his feet walking into the complex hallway but slowly disappearing again. 

The mind is cold, gray storms and lilacs with electric shades of blues. Flashing in front of them both with realization how vulnerable it must be to take a life this far. Disposable as one can feel. James couldn't leave the building, even after moments staring at the door and attempting to walk away he could bare it leaving Seth alone in that manner. 

Seth can't scrub his loneliness, he can't scrub the past beneath his eyes. They're closed, colored brown and sleepy. Unfortunately, the dehumanizing control took a soul, one that wasn't ready to fight any longer. The white appeared around the lips, the cold and hollow form, young and in shape across the periwinkle tiles. 

Within a millisecond the grand face of sadness when you hear nothing. When James hears nothing. When you can't even hear a spectacle of a breathing soul. Yet, the sound of a force dropping to the floor. James forced and forced his upper body strength into the wooden door that felt like infinity just to get to Seth. Soon companies a silent so quiet of the sea. Listen, do you hear the soft waves that cried every time you touched him. The way Seth's body rises and collapses into Jame's arms, with every shivering whimper and scream. Against James figured chest and solid form, Seth wasn't moving and purely lifeless.

People aren’t supposed to make it to the end. One day, someone will stay, and someone will make you know how much of a home your heart was for them. How much your heart can be a reminder of what small time of moments could have been shared. James is often reminded of that night every day of his life and how could he have left Seth alone with his thoughts.

.The red light is still glowing from the bedroom, his refrigerator bare, his laptop is still on the breakfast island, a slew of awards on the shelf with his favorite books and sometimes James can see Seth standing on his balcony, smoking a cigarette while some loose strands of hair blow in the wind. 

What form of Seth, James could see, "I could have saved you." His lips trailed with the clear fluid trickling down his face. 

James stared out to the sky from the living room as the balcony doors were open, "Sorry, the darkness couldn't allow you to." And from the response, he felt feeling Seth's warm pink lips kiss his cheek and faded so quickly. 

James is still visiting Seth's apartment every day since he died here two years ago. Another celebrity overdose, another soul taken away.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Since my account is no longer going to be active and this is my final decision as of April 2017. I've given up on writing and sharing content online. 
> 
> I strongly wanted to continue more for this but I think I lost more concepts or scenarios to finish so I think it's best to leave this to ideation. Please note, none of my fics reflect Seth in any way. He was always a mere add-on for which all my fics and concepts were made months before I decided to include him in them and put them on the internet. I don't write anything fantasy-like I always enjoyed trying to make them blatant and realistic as possible.
> 
> Thank you to anyone who has read my fics as well. Thank you it will always be greatly appreciated.


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